Friday, December 17, 2010

She's apples

I'm one of those people that can get quite worked up about stuff. My partner is one of those people that generally doesn't. She's pretty level-headed and grounded about most things, I on the other hand, can get really pissed off mighty fast, especially about things I think are unfair - either to me personally or to the world in general. Stuff like that eats at me like acid, whilst Deb has the attitude of just sitting back and letting it all unfold.

I often wonder why that is. What was it about our upbringings that makes us so very different? Is it because I'm the oldest child and she's the youngest, or was it because her parents were pretty supportive and she knew security because of that? Why does she wish to avoid conflict (and pretty much does just that) while I am always in the centre of one drama or another?

Now don't get me wrong, I don't usually cause the dramas, I just have drama thrust upon me. Even when I try my best to do the right thing it all goes bung and I end up in the middle of a wildfire. I have seriously wondered many times whether Eris, the greek goddess of strife is sitting upon my shoulder, tossing her golden apples of discord all over the place for me, and every one else around me, to trip over. If you don't know who Eris is this is her btw it's probably enough for me to tell you that she was the one who started the Trojan war. She was pissed off at  being the only goddess not invited to a wedding and so she gatecrashed the party and threw down a golden apple that was inscribed, "For The Most Beautiful One." The goddesses Athena, Aphrodite and Hera all decided that they just had to be one that the apple was intended for, and poor old Paris, the prince of Troy was voted to be the one to choose between them. Of course they immediately tried to bribe him - Hera offered him world power, Athena offered him great skill in battle and good old Aphrodite offered him the most beautiful woman in the world..

You can guess who he chose, right? Aphrodite got her apple alrighty, and Paris got awarded the gorgeous Helen. The only problem being that Helen was already married to the king of Sparta. The unfortunate Paris doomed his city with his choice and Troy was annihilated in the war that followed.

You may have guessed by now that I'm a Classical myth geek too - but my point is that like Paris, I get swept up in having to make choices that end up with everyone being pissed off at me. Even worse than that, I can actually end up in wars that make the whole Trojan thing look like a mere scuffle. There'll be his amazing whirlwind of chaos going on around me, people not talking to me, nasty emails ricocheting back and forth, snubbings, snippy telephone calls, character assignations and final ultimatums - Some of these wars I've been involved in have been with people online that I've never even met, but that doesn't make them any less nasty. At the time, I'm usually alternately outraged and hurt, then sad and remorseful, and all the while Debra will just smile serenely like the Buddha.

I wish I was more like her and less like me. She'd keep all her apples nice and safe - I just have mine pelted straight back at me. Maybe in this life I chose to have conflict around me to help me grow and learn to resolve things. If I did, I guess I'm failing royally at it because I still don't have enough self-confidence to believe in my own stance. I waiver backwards and forwards like a sapling in a
cyclone - Yes my point is valid, and then in a flash, no it isn't.

Ah the bliss that must come of knowing your mind and feeling confident in your decisions, but then again it's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not. Maybe the key lies in realising that even if you're disagreed with, you're not being persecuted.

After all, we all make our own apple shaped monsters, don't we?

**"she's apples" or "she'll be apples" is an Aussie term for everything will be alright.

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